What do interfaith couples want from the established
Jewish community? Some people in the community believe that these couples want to
be left alone to manage their religious life by themselves. Others believe that
the choice of a non-Jewish spouse is a rejection of the Jewish community. I do
not believe either to be true.
Through my eight years of working with interfaith couples and families, I
have learned that interfaith couples and families want three things from the
Jewish community: acceptance, respect for both religious backgrounds, and
information. These couples are tired of being excluded and want to be part of
the ongoing communal process. This information is very important because it
differs from what the elders in the mainstream Jewish community are saying and
it places the burden directly on that community to shift from an exclusive
point of view to an extending and inclusive position. Interfaith couples'
request, to be accepted, valued, and included, points to new tasks for Jewish
institutions: to create a variety of ongoing activities and learning
opportunities. It is not enough to run workshops, develop learner Shabbat dinners,
and teach classes on how to make a Passover Seder. These programs, while
helpful, are limited, and continue to separate interfaith families from the
mainstream Jewish community.
The challenge remains how to incorporate interfaith couples and families
into the fabric of the already existing institutions. We need to reach out and
make a difference. Consider what the Jewish community has done when each wave
of new Jewish immigrants came to the
In addition to acceptance, interfaith couples and families desire to create
and structure a religious life that is respectful to both individuals'
backgrounds. My interfaith workshops have all been given under the auspices of
traditional Jewish institutions, namely a Conservative synagogue and the local
downtown Jewish community center. Given those settings, I assume that each
couple wants to have Judaism as part of their religious life; indeed almost all
of the couples with whom I have worked wanted Judaism to be "the
lead" religion. Since two people from different religious backgrounds also
have two heritages to deal with, even when a conversion takes place, religious
programming must be careful to use language that reflects the couples' reality
and is respectful of both their heritages. Thus, the notion of "Judaism as
the lead religion," still recognizes that more than one religion will be a
part of the family's larger religious life. This understanding supports
interfaith couples in their struggle to develop a religious life that satisfies
them both.
And finally, interfaith couples want information about how to lead a Jewish
life. They want to know how to incorporate meaningful rituals into their lives
and thus, they ask questions about finding a rabbi to convert their children,
have a brit (ritual circumcision) for their
sons, create a naming ceremony for their daughters, marry them, and participate
in all the other life passages marked by religious ritual. I have found that
having a sympathetic clergy member participate in the workshops is an integral
factor in fulfilling this need. The clergy's presence provides an important
opportunity for interfaith couples to interact with a representative of the
mainstream community, and to increase their understanding of Jewish rituals.
Although many American Jews consider interfaith marriages a problem, I see
this as an opportunity. It is up to us, as a community, to help frame the
agenda and to present Judaism as the complex and inspiring religion that it is.
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Marion L. Usher, Ph.D. is a Clinical Professor in the Department of
Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at George Washington University School of
Medicine and Health Sciences. She has developed workshops for interfaith
couples, which she leads at Adas
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